ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
