I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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