Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
