Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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