I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
