shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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