i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cannot find my penis.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
