You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
