i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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