thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
