Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
