The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
