Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
