i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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