It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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