When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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