How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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