that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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