just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
