This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
