I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
