6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
