I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
