Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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