I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
