Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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