she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
