I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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