her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
