hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
