I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
