I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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