the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
