Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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