Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
