having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
