My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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