I wish I could punch you in the face.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
