Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
