life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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