I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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