the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
