Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
