to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
