What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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