I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
