nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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