Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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