well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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