When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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